


Seven Times the Avengers Helped Natasha Find Herself, and One Time She Helped One of Them

by Brilliant_But_Scary_Bad_Wolf



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Daemons, Daemons, F/M, Gen, Mind Rape, Mindfuck, Natasha has issues, Rape/Non-con Elements, actually 7+ 1 plus prologue but shhhh, but she's working on it, implied rape, intercision, okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brilliant_But_Scary_Bad_Wolf/pseuds/Brilliant_But_Scary_Bad_Wolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Red Room was not a good place to grow up, especially for a girl and her daemon, and now Natasha must navigate the adult world with a detached soul.</p><p>"It’s a messy conglomeration of longing and need and desperation and deprivation and she doesn’t know what to feel, so she decides to feel nothing at all."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nulla - Prelude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thelittlestbishop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlestbishop/gifts).



> So I have been longing to write a Natasha centric daemon fic for a while now, and the inspiration has finally struck. I hope that my choices for the Avengers' daemons seem okay to you. I struggled with a couple of them, and I admittedly put my focus on Natasha's struggle, both with herself, with her daemon, and with her relationships. While there is nothing explicit, this is indeed a Clintasha fic, though it's perhaps more subtle than some might want. This work is completed, so I'll try to upload at least a chapter a day until it's all up!
> 
> Warning: This first chapter especially contains references to child abuse, implied rape, non-consensual daemon touching, and daemon intercision. The last two are much more explicit. I don't want to trigger anyone, so if this is triggering to you, please don't read.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you like it!! Leave me a note to let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is welcome!!
> 
> Thanks to flyingblackhawk on tumblr for editing!!
> 
> Dedicated to my Clintasha wife, thelittlestbishop. I love you bby.

There are already forty girls when Natalia and Vasili join the Red Room. She is an addition, the forty-first, an extra to the already full program, and as such, she sleeps on the floor for the first week, until their number decreases to forty. She is the fourth-youngest, in the beginning. By the time the procedures start, she is the second-youngest, and by the time they are over, she is the youngest. By the time the procedures start, she is ten, she thinks, and she’s already killed two men, and tortured one. She is almost mission-ready, they say, before her procedure starts. There is only one more lesson to learn, after the procedure, before she can start serving her country. Sex. At least, that’s what she thinks. It is the only remaining thing that she has learned in theory, but not in practice. By the time the procedures start, the number of girls in the Red Room has dropped to thirty-four. By the time the procedures end, there are eleven left. Two of the remaining girls, Lyskia and Catarine, are so catatonic that the Comrades get desperate, and place their daemons on their bedsides in hope that it will revive them (Natalia still hasn’t seen Vasili since before the procedure).

She doesn’t see him for another week, by which time Lyskia and Catarine are released from the program, a euphemism which by now, Natalia knows to mean killed by the Comrades. A third girl is released from the program because she won't stop crying, so Natalia learns quickly to hide her tears. She doesn't let the Comrades see the absolute emptiness inside her, or the constant tremors in her hands, longing to touch her daemon. She knows she cries silent tears every night, for her cheeks are wet in the morning, but she quickly wipes it away. She must be strong. It is all for the good of her country. A month passes before she sees Vasili again. He’s in his mouse form, trembling terribly in one of the Comrades’ arms as he’s set down amongst the seven other daemons of the remaining girls. They tell them not to touch, so Natalia doesn’t. One girl, Stasia, can’t stand it, and leaps for her own daemon. A bullet strikes her head before she ever reaches her daemon, and the number is reduced to seven. Natalia clenches her fists, and bites her lip, longing to follow suit and grab for Vasili. The connection is less, she cannot feel him in her soul, but it still takes a lot of restraint to keep from satiating her need for physical contact with him.

She isn’t permitted to touch him for three more months, during which time she finally receives her hands-on training for sex, sensuality, and sexual torture and manipulation. When they finally allow physical contact between the girls and their daemons, they explain it is only for the purposes of missions. There’s no need to continue the intimate human-daemon relationships they had before, but they must be able to feign it to ensure success on some undercover missions. She finds she can’t do anything more than feign it. She almost vomits when she finally touches him. It’s a messy conglomeration of longing and need and desperation and deprivation and she doesn’t know what to feel, so she decides to feel nothing at all. Comrade Mikhail praises her. The need to vomit goes away. Vasili gives her a sad look, and she can’t stand it, so she turns away. He’s just a tool, a weapon, same as her. If someone later had asked her to pinpoint the exact moment she became the Black Widow, that would’ve been it. Not her first kill or first mission, not when, two years later, they administer her the serum. Not even when she kills Illana to become the only one. Losing Vasili, truly losing him, though she can still talk to him and touch him, is her turning point.

After that, everything is easy. Missions start, and she can use Vasili just like she uses herself, change everything about them both, change his form, or hers, to whatever best suits the mission. Sometimes she doesn’t even bring him on the mission with her. He’d just get in the way. If anyone asks, she can easily tell them her daemon is small, and is hiding somewhere on her person. Of course, Vasili sometimes is small and hiding on her person, but he is also sometimes large. Later, Natalia thinks she should have questioned her daemon’s ever-changing form. Sure, it’s normal for a child, and even sometimes a young teenager, but if she had looked around her at fourteen or fifteen, Natalia might have noticed that the only other people of that age or above with unsettled daemons were the other remaining girls in the Room (5, by that time).


	2. I - Clint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha meets our favorite archer.
> 
> "He’s stuck in place for a minute, that look on his face, but then he’s following behind her, and Natasha can go back to pretending everything’s fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there again!! This chapter is ridiculously short but hey, quantity doesn't mean quality! Not much to say here. :p Just to read on and enjoy!! Leave me a note!
> 
> Thanks again to flyingblackhawk on tumblr for editing!!

Her daemon never does settle, changing as needed for missions. She wonders if that’s a consequence of the separation, or something additional the Red Room did to her. Eventually, Vasili does tend to have a preferred form, even if he can still change. It’s the small form of a red poison dart frog; fitting, she thinks, with an appearance exotic enough to attract its prey, in order to more easily infect the prey with poison. Even when Natalia becomes Natasha, and leaves the Red Room, she doesn’t quite realize the grave atrocity that’s been committed against her. Clint Barton is the first person outside the Red Room to find out that she and Vasili are separated.

“Let’s go,” he says, when she finally lowers her gun with trembling hands, his own archaic weapon having stopped pointing at her several minutes back.

“Wait,” she blurts out as he turns away. Despite the moment of disconnect nearly nine years ago, she’s still weak, still has that attachment to her daemon, and can’t leave him behind. “We have to go back to my safehouse.”

The SHIELD agent frowns. “We don’t have time. Your people could be looking for you there. Besides, SHIELD can replace anything you left behind there.”

The girl who used to be Natalia Romanova shakes her head. “We have to go back. My- Vasi . . . my daemon. I have to get my daemon-”

Barton stares at her in shock, doesn’t understand. “Your . . . I don’t understand. Isn’t he here with you? How . . .”

She gives him a strange look in return, because she doesn’t yet understand how abnormal she is. “No. I just told you. He’s at my safehouse. We have to go get him.” His own daemon, some kind of mixed-breed dog, hides behind his leg and whimpers. The look he’s giving her now is one she doesn’t understand (pity, she later knows, or sympathy, as he always insists), but he almost looks sad. She doesn’t like it. She sighs. “Let’s go. Like you said, my people could come after me at any time.” 

He’s stuck in place for a minute, that look on his face, but then he’s following behind her, and Natasha can go back to pretending everything’s fine.


	3. II - PHIL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha thinks SHIELD is full of surprises.
> 
> "They’d made her better, made her more capable of defending her country."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I said I would update once a day but meh. I was impatient. So here's some Coulson for you! :D

When they get to the SHIELD base, both Natasha and Clint rather worse for wear, they are greeted by an older, balding man. Barton calls him Coulson, and she quickly discerns that he is his handler. There’s a small polar bear sitting beside the man, and she raises an eyebrow. Most of her superiors in the Red Room had vicious daemons; wolves, scorpions, and snakes amongst others. The first thing she does is thrust Vasili, in otter form, at him. Barton flinches. Coulson just looks at her and frowns.

“Miss Romanova?”

Her own frown deepens, and she thrusts Vasili, who, silent as always, is glaring at her, at Coulson once more. “Don’t you have to take him? Put him with the others?”

Out of the corner of her eyes, she can see Barton’s daemon once more squeezing close to his leg. She looks up, and Coulson’s giving her that look Barton was giving her earlier, except worse. “Miss Romanova, I would never touch your daemon, and if I ever hear that anyone in this organization ever does without your express permission, they will be subject to serious disciplinary action.”

Her head snaps up to look at him. “What?” she says to herself, except it was out loud. It doesn’t make sense, she muses worriedly as she pulls Vasili back to her, setting him on her shoulder as he transforms into a bright red frog. Of course, she knew about the taboo of touching others’ daemons before from her missions outside of the Room. She almost never saw civilians touch each other’s daemons, and in fact, many of the targets she’d had to sleep with had asked before touching Vasili, and some hadn’t touched him at all. And of course it had been expressly forbidden for any of the girls in the program to touch any of their superiors’ daemons. But on the other hand, plenty of her targets on missions had touched Vasili far too much. Some had even tried to take advantage of her, or dominate her by hurting him. And of course, in the Red Room, the girls _had_ been permitted, even encouraged, to touch each others’ daemons. In addition, the Red Room’s Comrades had touched Vasili all the time, taking little care to be gentle. It had hurt, and frustratingly so, every time another person touched Vasili, but Natalia had just shrugged it off as another thing. Lots of things that happened in the Red Room had hurt, but they’d all been for good reasons. They’d made her better, made her more capable of defending her country.

Natasha’s stomach clenches painfully at the doctrine running through her head. “I,” she starts, and then stops for a moment before continuing. “Then where do I put him?”

To Coulson’s credit, after a moment of hesitation, he takes it in stride. “He’ll stay with you of course.”

Natasha’s thankful he doesn’t add ‘where else?’ “Oh,” she says, still somewhat at a loss. Coulson gives her a tiny smile, and she thinks maybe it won’t be so bad here.


	4. III - Bruce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha meets her worst nightmare.
> 
> "The doctor’s daemon is a tiny brown mouse, not what she’d expected for a man who destroys half a city when he gets a little upset."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Here we pick up near the beginning of the Avengers movie, skipping ahead about eight or so years from last chapter. Read and enjoy!! And drop me a note to let me know what you thought.
> 
> Disclaimer: Some of the dialogue within was written by Joss Whedon.

By the time the quinjet picks her up, she and Vasili aren’t speaking. She’d kept insisting to herself that she’s only doing this, dropping her mission to focus on retrieving Clint, because she owes Barton a debt. But of course, Vasili could see right through that, and in response, tried to get her to admit that she cared for her SHIELD partner. Natasha had retorted that she refused to be compromised, and Vasili had grown frustrated as she’d grown angry, and all conversation between them had stopped. Now, hours later, they’re touching down at her destination, and she instructs the frog-daemon to stay in the quinjet and wait for her, having little desire to continue to be near him. His face is upset, but he stays put. Her heart twinges as she leaves the jet, daemon-less for the first time in many years. She tries to tell herself that it’s for his own protection. She’s going after the Hulk, after all but the excuse seems somewhat ridiculous when she has few qualms about sending a young girl to fetch Banner for her. The doctor’s daemon is a tiny brown mouse, not what she’d expected for a man who destroys half a city when he gets a little upset.

“And your little actress buddy, is she a spy too? Do they start that young?”

“I did,” she responds, her tone matter-of-fact. She doesn’t expect any pity from him over it, and is relieved when he offers her none. She hates pity. Most of the rest of the conversation holds only half of her attention, as she focuses instead on Banner, keeping a close eye on his facial expressions, looking for any sign of the emergence of the Hulk. She tunes back in when his tone gets darker, angrier.

“So Fury isn’t after the monster?”

“Not that he’s told me.”

“And he tells you everything?”

She wants to roll her eyes. Fury is in charge of one of the world’s largest and most powerful spy organizations. Of course he doesn’t tell her everything. But he does tell her more than he tells most. “Talk to Fury, he needs you on this.”

“He needs me in a cage?” Banner’s voice is growing incredibly angry, and she wants nothing more than to flee. She can’t beat the Hulk. There’s nothing there she can control, and he could transform at any moment, resulting in the near certainty of her death.

She tries almost desperately to calm him down, “No one’s gonna put you in a-”

“STOP LYING TO ME!” he screams out, interrupting her.

Her body reacts before her brain can. As she’s jumping backwards, gun flying up to point at Banner, she feels a deep clenching pain in her chest, and she knows, despite their separation, that it’s Vasili. She thinks maybe the Hulk is going to kill her. The dying part she is mostly okay with- she’s done her best to atone, and she’s never really deserved to live- but she’s realizing too late that she doesn’t want to go without saying goodbye to Vasili, or to Clint, or even Clint’s daemon Katie, who in all her annoying bits, has become something of a friend.

“Sorry, that was mean. I just wanted to see what you’d do.” He says it somewhat sheepishly, but she gives him a look anyways, doesn’t let on that her insides are quivering in fear of one of the only things in existence that she has no chance of controlling.

“Stand down,” she finally says to the couple dozen men and women outside when she’s able to speak without trembling.

The second she leads Banner onto the quinjet, Vasili’s on her; a tabby cat leaping into her arms, and she knew the fear and the things she’d felt earlier had reached him.

“Wait,” Banner says from behind her, and she frowns, turning to face him with Vasili in her arms. She clings him to her tightly. Then she raises an eyebrow, and waits for him to speak.

“He was . . . here? The whole time?”

She nods, attempting, and probably failing, to keep nonchalant.

“But how . . . how is that possible? You weren’t in any pain at all.”

She shrugs. She’s never had to tell anyone explicitly before. Clint and Phil and SHIELD just sort of figured it out. “We’re not . . . we don’t have . . . we’re separated.”

She can almost hear the scientist’s gasp before it happens, and she wants to just leave, and not have this conversation, but ~~Clint~~ SHIELD needs her to ensure that Banner gets safely to the helicarrier, so she will stay with him. Now he’s gawking at her, horrified, at a loss for words, and she tries once more to shrug it off. “Please. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“How,” is the only thing he can manage to say, and she can see him clenching his own little mouse tighter. She glances down at Vasili, and hugs him closer.

“It doesn’t matter now,” is all she can say.


	5. IV - Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it takes disparaging words to realize the truth.
> 
> ". . . her visceral reaction: trembling, horrified, with Vasili hiding behind her in bunny form, is a lie, but she’s still bothered that he knows all this about her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And weeee here we have some Loki! Only four more chapters to go!! Enjoy, and leave me a note!
> 
> Disclaimer: Much of the dialogue in this chapter was written by Joss Whedon.
> 
> ALSO. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THE CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER TRAILER BECAUE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
> 
> That is all. Carry on.

When he starts monologuing to himself, Natasha wants to roll her eyes, but of course, the weak, vulnerable girl she is at the moment would never do that. He’s mentioning specific things now- Sao Paulo, little Svetlana Drakova . . . her visceral reaction: trembling, horrified, with Vasili hiding behind her in bunny form, is a lie, but she’s still bothered that he knows all this about her. Thankfully, it is quickly explained. She does not like the explanation.

“Barton told me everything.”

She flinches, and tenses when Loki stares straight at Vasili. Her reactions may be a manipulation, but she knows there’s a real truth to them. 

“You have no soul,” he continues darkly, still staring at Vasili. The wolf daemon at his feet snarls, and she stumbles backwards on queue, though her true concern is with Vasili, who’s suddenly changed into a lizard, his tiny nails digging in to the back of her left calf as he clings to her.

“Disgusting,” Loki sneers, continuing, “separation. Not only is your soul gone from you, it’s a monster, never settling. A monster, just like you. Your ledger is dripping, it’s GUSHING red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything?”

This, Natasha can deal with. It still hurts, but it’s not about Vasili, or her relationship with Clint, so she can handle it.

“This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer . . . PATHETIC! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code, something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away. I won’t touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you! Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear! And then he’ll wake long enough to see his good work, and when he screams, I’ll split his skull!! This is my bargain, you mewling quim!”

“You’re a monster!” she says, and she means it. The end of his speech hurts. It’s painful and terrifying, and she knows the threat is real, knows that Loki would do it, and that Clint could give her more pain than anyone else on the planet, so she focuses on the rest of his speech. It’s easier for her to handle, because she already knew it was all true.

“Oh no, you brought the monster.”

And she grins, for now, she has him. She wins. And she feels better for it. Vasili retracts his claws from the leg of her suit, and Natasha is realizing that maybe Loki was wrong about him. She and Vasili may be separated, but he still exists, and she still has a soul, painfully broken and disconnected as it is. The discovery cheers her up, and she’s able to turn back to Loki with a confident look on her face, as Vasili drops and turns back to his poison dart frog form. “So, Banner . . . that’s your play.”

“What?”

She gives another grin and walks as she works. “Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I’m on my way. Send Thor as well.” She’s smug when she turns back to Loki. “Thank you for your cooperation.”


	6. V - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain America helps Natasha come to another realization.
> 
> "It’s not pain, exactly, but it doesn’t feel good, her insides shuddering at the touch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh yeah sorry this is a bit late. Stuff was happening. Anyways, Nat and Steve, yay!! So excited for their bromance in MCU, by the way!!

It happens in the heat of battle, so she can’t blame him. They’ve all finally come together, the Avengers, though she still questions her place in it all. She wasn’t supposed to be an Avenger. She’s a SHIELD agent, and assassin, not a hero, and she doesn’t know how to be one, yet here she is; fighting alongside superheroes and super soldiers and . . . Clint. Well, at least she’s not the only one. The giant flying creature- some sort of alien tech- is coming at them, and Doctor Banner is transforming. Except, when the Hulk hits the flying thing, and even when Iron Man blasts it, it’s clear that the explosion’s going to hit them. She dives to the ground, hoping that’s enough, but knowing it’s not. She looks back quickly for Vasili- she’d forgotten him, typically- and sees him, in the form of a chimpanzee, standing frozen several feet behind her. The Captain is behind him, his own golden dog beside him, and she can see the indecision in his eyes. He decides quickly.

Then, he moves. His daemon beside him, he scoops up Vasili, who, for some reason, remains frozen still, and leaps so he’s directly behind Natasha, using his shield to block them from the worst of the blast. She tenses when he grabs Vasili, feeling the touch all throughout her body. It’s not pain, exactly, but it doesn’t feel good, her insides shuddering at the touch. She doesn’t like it, she realizes. She doesn’t like it when other people touch Vasili. But the moment’s over as quickly as it began, as Captain Rogers goes into battle strategy, and they don’t have any time to discuss what happened. It’s just as well. She doesn’t blame him for it. If he hadn’t picked him up, Vasili could be dead, and Natasha has no idea where she would be then. Besides, she’s used to people touching Vasili even without such good reasons- the Red Room used to control her by hurting him: hitting him, or squeezing too tight- so it shouldn’t bother her. But it does. So she shakes it off, for the most part, and moves back into the fray.

~~~~~~

Steve finally corners her in medical the next day, the morning before the brand new Avengers are scheduled to send Loki back to Asgard with Thor and the Tesseract. She’s sitting in a chair by Clint’s bedside. Her partner is asleep, resting off the nasty concussion she’d given him. Technically, she’s supposed to be in bed too, elevating her sprained ankle, and resting her own mild concussion, but an easy glare to one of the medical staff had solved that problem. Vasili’s sitting curled in her lap, in his second favorite form (a tabby cat), and she doesn’t want to let him go, wants to hold him close to her forever. Steve comes late in the morning; stands in the doorway, looking at her, and waiting. She stands from the chair, holding Vasili protectively in her arms as she follows Steve into the hall. He gives her daemon a glance, and she realizes he must be confused because Vasili has been different almost every time they’ve met. She doesn’t explain.

“Agent Romanoff,” he starts, voice as polite as ever, “I need to offer my apologies for . . . I touched your daemon yesterday, without your permission, I-”

“It’s fine,” she interrupts him, all too quickly, even though it’s not.

Steve frowns, gives her a strange look, but then continues resolutely. “No, it’s not. I know I was trying to keep you both safe, but I still feel bad. I know how you must have felt.”

Natasha frowns, squeezes Vasili tighter to herself. “It’s fine. You did what you had to do.” And it’s true, but still, the words grate on her, and she feels uncomfortable.

Steve shrugs awkwardly. “I’m sorry anyways. I’ll try to ask you, next time.”

She nods, and with that, the conversation’s over, and she turns, going straight back to Clint.


	7. VI - Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha learns a new skill.
> 
> "She’s so relieved that she doesn’t even mind when Thor physically lifts her from the ground."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Thought I'd upload this one earlier today to make up for last night. So yeah, my bby is making real progress in this chapter I'm so proud of her!! : p Anyways, I hope you like it! Let me know what you think.

It’s nearly three months later when things start to change. The Avengers, minus Thor, have settled into Stark’s tower, though Natasha was incredibly reluctant, convinced only by the combined efforts of Fury, Phil, and Clint. The other Avengers made efforts too, but she hadn’t much cared what they had to say on the matter. She’s been living in the tower for about two months when Thor shows up. He’s on Earth to visit Jane Foster, he says, but wanted to visit his brothers and sister in arms before returning to Asgard. Tony makes a note to Pepper of his intent to acquire Dr. Foster for his research department.

Thor’s just in time. Hydra attacks the city the very next day, storming in with advanced weaponry and large numbers. The Avengers are going to win the fight without too much damage to the city- or themselves- but it’s about mid-afternoon when Natasha finds herself within a fallen building. She’s been fighting with a more skilled Hydra agent, and she shoots him in the chest. He falls backwards, his hand instinctively squeezing the trigger of his advanced weapon. The blast rockets through the building, taking out the supports. Natasha dives to avoid having her head crushed, but the metal beam lands instead on her upper calves, and she’s pinned amongst the falling debris. A pain in her chest tells her that Vasili’s trapped somewhere too; nearby. A few seconds later, the chaos slows down, and the area quiets.

“Vasili?” she calls out, trying to keep the worry from her voice. She’d know if he was dead, wouldn’t she? Maybe not. They’re not truly connected. She frowns and calls again. He is in his frog shape, fragile, and easily harmed.

“Over here.” His voice seems only a few yards away. It’s strong, and she breathes a sigh of relief. “I’m unharmed,” his words respond to the unasked question in her head. “Well, mostly. I’m just trapped inside something. Wood, I think.”

She lifts her head to look in his direction and sees a desk on its side, figures he’s trapped underneath. Fire is burning amongst the debris, circling the desk entirely. Natasha pulls at her pinned legs, and lets out a brief, sharp shout at the pain; knows the bones in both of her lower legs are broken, and that she’s well and truly trapped unless she deigns to cut off her legs. A last resort, and unneeded, she hopes. She tries to speak into her comm., but it must have been destroyed, for no one responds.

“Hello?” she calls out loudly, expecting nothing. Surely by this time, the Avengers are scattered throughout the city, fighting enemy agents, and the city had already been successfully evacuated, thanks to plans put into place after Loki’s attack.

So she’s pleasantly surprised when Thor’s voice responds, “Lady Natasha? Is this your voice I hear?”

Natasha can’t see him, but she calls out to him anyways. “Thor? I’m over here. Can you . . . I’m pinned.”

He’s within sight about thirty seconds later. He immediately lifts the beam carefully from its position crushing her legs, and tosses it aside. She moans at the painful relief.

“Can you stand, shield sister?”

She feels at her legs, and shakes her head no. There’s no way she can stand, let alone walk on these legs. She sighs.

“Then I shall carry you out of here.” He kneels to lift her, so she interrupts quickly.

“No, wait. Vas- my daemon. I need- you have to get my daemon.”

“Where,” he asks, standing.

She turns her body so her back’s to the ground, and sits up silently on her elbows, before pointing to the desk. “He’s under there.”

Thor’s careful but quick as he leaps over the growing flames, and lifts the desk off of Vasili, tossing it away. Then he looks around at the flames, and then to the little frog, who has a bloodied leg, which clearly will hinder any attempts to get over the flames and to Natasha, and frowns. “My lady,” he starts, his voice hesitating, “may I touch your daemon so I can lift him over the flames to you?”

Her immediate instinct is to say ‘yes, of course,’ but a twinge in her chest and a glance at Vasili’s sad, resigned face holds her back. Vasili doesn’t want to be touched. Natasha doesn’t want anyone to touch Vasili, and desperately so, she realizes.

“N-no. No don’t touch him.” Her voice starts small and hesitant. But grows more assured. Vasili gives her a surprised, but grateful look.

Thor nods solemnly, and looks around for something that can help him get Vasili to her without touching the daemon. Then he turns to the fire. With his own (lion) daemon’s help, it only takes a minute to stomp out enough flames that Vasili has ample space to hop through, even with an injured leg. The daemon goes straight to Natasha, and she catches him in her hands, allowing herself to fall back to the ground. She’s so relieved that she doesn’t even mind when Thor physically lifts her from the ground.


	8. VII - Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha starts to discover that maybe there's hope for her.
> 
> "Of course, by the time she wakes up, the whole thing is over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand this is the last of the main chapters. Only the resolution remains!! I've tried to give Tony a somewhat softer true nature than he usually presents, because he just seems like someone who would understand. Ehh but anyways, read and enjoy!!

It’s just another attack on Stark’s newly christened Avengers Tower. Another group of idiot villains with a tremendously stupid plan, who are quickly, and easily defeated. Of course, by the time she wakes up, the whole thing is over. She’s startled awake by the other Avengers barging into her room, daemons at their heels- or on their shoulder, in Stark and Banner’s cases. Feeling a twinge in her chest, she looks around frantically for Vasili, breathing a slight sigh of inner relief when she spots him trailing along behind the men. He’s in cat form, and she’s pleased to see that none of her coworkers are touching him. Of course, most of them know better. She sits up to catch Vasili as he bounds up to her, and eyes the clock- 3 am- before glancing at the men suspiciously.  
Their expressions are rather odd, and she sighs. “What happened?”

No one says anything, so she looks to Clint, raising an eyebrow expectantly. He gives her that look she used to think was pity. She still hates it. “Tasha . . .”

“Tell me,” she demands, her tone growing harsher.

Steve steps up, ever professional. “Men broke in. We believe they gave us all sedatives before taking the daemons. We . . .” he hesitates here, before plowing on. “We believe the distance from our daemons over-powered the drug, so we went after them. They were just in the labs. It was an easy fight.”

Careful to keep her expression blank, she nods. “I see.” Then she turns to Bruce. “What sedative did they use?”

“A generic Lorazepam compound.” His response is succinct and professional.

Her mask slips momentarily to expose a frown, but she quickly recovers. Her voice is quiet and steady when she speaks. “Please leave.”

“Natasha,” Clint tries.

“Get out.” Her voice remains the same volume, but they all, even Clint, know her well enough to do as she asks. Except Tony lingers around the door. “Not now, Stark,” she says irritably.

He hesitates for a moment, as if determining whether to risk his life, and remain and talk to her, or to flee. He makes up his mind, and when he speaks, he is uncharacteristically quiet and serious. “You’re intercised, aren’t you?”

She freezes, and looks up at him in shock. “How do you even kn-”

“I spent three months in a Ten Rings terrorist camp,” he interrupts her. “You know that. It was a popular torture technique. I was lucky enough to never be subject to it, but I saw it close up, saw it happen to others.”

Natasha’s sad expression is genuine when she looks down at her feet. “I was ten,” she starts. “They told me he was just a weakness, so I agreed.” Of course, she’d never had a real choice in the matter. “They didn’t tell me how much it would hurt.” She doesn’t say anymore, but she’s pretty sure she doesn’t need to. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

Stark frowns. “Not even Barton?”

She shakes her head. “He didn’t have to be told. Neither did Coulson.”

Tony frowns, and hesitates. Then: “I can fix it.”

Her gaze snaps up at him. “I’m sorry?”

“I can undo the separation,” he continues, his voice fairly confident. “After I got free, I couldn’t sleep until I had some kind of fix, a solution in case it ever happened to me. It’s . . . never been tested, but it’ll work.”

She almost blurts out for him to do it, but she stops herself just in time. “I . . .” She bites her lip, and frowns, deep in thought. “I- I don’t . . . but I . . . this is . . . you’re not making this up?” She doesn’t deserve it, she knows, but she wants it. She really wants it, and she can practically feel Vasili vibrating with hope.

Tony nods, then adds, “It’ll be painful. Very painful.”

Natasha shrugs; doesn’t care. Nothing’s painful after intercision, and after growing up in the Red Room. Then, she nods vigorously. She may not deserve to get her soul, her chance at peace back, but she finds she wants it so desperately that she’ll do it anyways.

“Do it.”


	9. VIII - Postscript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha starts to think maybe she can be content with her life.
> 
> "Even Clint, for through nearly eight years of partnership, he’s made clear efforts to keep from touching her daemon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! I'd say some charming thing about the journey of sharing this with whomever is still reading, but seeing as it's only been online for about a week, that would be rather cheesy. As it is, I would like to thank everyone reading, and everyone who left me any sort of feedback. I really appreciated it! Anyways, without further adieu, enjoy the chapter!!

It’s nearly eight months after the aliens have invaded New York, but Clint’s still not acting normal, even around her. The fractures in her legs have fully healed, and Stark’s promised procedure was completed three weeks ago. At first, it was nearly unbearable to have someone so constantly sharing her headspace, and her physical space, even if it was her own daemon. Even now, she is still getting used to it. She is having particular trouble always keeping within a relatively small distance of Vasili, though she can still go twice as far from him as the others can from their daemons.

She and Clint had just returned to the helicarrier from a somewhat draining, three-day mission for SHIELD. It had been a classic, one partner undercover, and the other keeping watch. Except then the three-day mission had turned into a week when they’d both been captured separately. When Natasha had escaped the next day with only a few cuts and burns and bruises, she’d gone back to their safehouse, expecting Clint to be there. When he wasn’t, it hadn’t taken her long to find out where he was, but by the time she arrived where he was being held a day later, he was beaten half to death, and at first, he didn’t even recognize her, instead moving to attack her wildly. The chaos had stalled and distracted Natasha enough to allow his captors to knock her out.

The two days after that had been rough, but both agents knew how to handle themselves under tough interrogations, and when, two days later, they destroyed the enemy base and got themselves out, they were without life-threatening injuries. Of course they were also without sleep. So they’d gone straight to the helicarrier. Now it’s around four in the morning, Natasha thinks, and having just been released from medical after being looked over and cleared, she knows they both want nothing more than to collapse onto pretty much any sort of bed. Her quarters are closer, so she pulls Clint there, Katie following close behind him, and with Vasili on her shoulder.

She knows he feels guilty about the mission, knows he blames himself for getting her captured the second time, and knows that it’s only added on to his continuing guilt from the incident with Loki, and the fear, ever since he’d seen the tape of her interrogation with Loki. She doesn’t blame him. But that doesn’t matter, since he blames himself enough already. Natasha knows the feeling well.

They are both far too exhausted to even shower, so as soon as she opens the door to her quarters, Clint collapses on her bunk. After locking the door, she follows suit despite the relatively small size of the bed. They’ve long ago grown used to crowded, undignified, or uncomfortable sleeping structures, especially with each other, and yet, Clint flinches away when she brushes up against him. She understands. Katie is curled up by Clint’s feet, on his opposite side by the wall, and Vasili is tucked into the crook of her elbow. Fifteen minutes later, she is still laying there. She is wide awake, despite her exhaustion, and can’t sleep, and she knows with certainty, that even though his eyes are closed, and his breathing relaxed, Clint is still awake too. His back is to her, and he is utterly still, asleep to any outsider. She bites her lip. For several minutes, she stares at him, trying to make up her mind. Then:

“Clint.”

She waits for a full minute, neither of them speaking or moving, before finally, slowly, her shifts, turning over so they lay face to face. He looks at her, pain in his eyes, and waits. As she reaches for Vasili, she thought she ought to be nervous- she has never truly consented to allow someone to touch Vasili before. Even Clint, for through nearly eight years of partnership, he’s made clear efforts to keep from touching her daemon. She understands why now. And yet . . . she feels strangely content. It doesn’t really make sense, but she likes the feeling. Clint is entirely silent as she sets Vasili on the bed between them.

“I want you to touch him.”

Her words are concise, quiet, and serious- assured. She doesn’t even have to look at Vasili to know that he wants this too. Clint scrambles back violently until his back hits the wall.

“Tash,” he starts, his voice weak. “Tasha I can’t, you can’t, how could you . . . how could you trust me to do that? I can’t do that.”

Natasha stays quiet as he speaks, knows very well that interrupted assurances will do very little to actually assure him. When he finishes, she speaks. “Clint, I know you know what it means for me to ask you this. You are the only person I trust to touch him. The only one.” It’s true. She trusts Phil, but not quite like this, and with anyone else, even the Avengers, she doubts she’ll ever trust them in this way. “I trust you unreservedly. No matter what. Please. I would like for you to touch him.”

It takes two minutes of unmoving silence. But eventually, he moves. He’s slow, and careful, and trembling, and he’s crying a little bit, but finally, his fingers settle tentatively on Vasili’s back, shaking as if the touch can kill him (granted Vasili is in the form of a poison dart frog, but she’d long ago been disappointed to discover that his skin wasn’t actually poisonous). After a few, perilous seconds, the touch grows more assured. Natasha can’t remember a time ever before when having someone else touch Vasili hadn’t caused some pain, but this . . . it . . . it feels good. She can feel Clint relaxing beside her, knows it has worked when Katie moves to lay between them, so her fur rubs against both their legs. Natasha’s breath evens out. She’s never felt more content. At last, they sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this is the end of my story, and while I dunno it might not be a happy ending (this is Natasha we're talking about here), I think it's a satisfying one, and a hopeful one. And yeah, I know, the Clintasha in this fic is fairly light and mostly implicated, and I never explicitly state any kind of relationship, but it's there, in my eyes, and this chapter to me, illuminates the last step they needed to take before they can really be together. So yaaay!! :P
> 
> Thank you all for reading!!


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